Wasabi's awakening

It took me a long time to understand the “I Am” affirmation. It took me a long time to understand and realize that beyond the body, the thoughts and the emotions, there is more to me.

It has taken me longer to realize that apart from the fact that even though I am the soul, I am also many other things, but most of all, I am Love.

From a very young age, I was always in search of love, that one perfect person that would be the ultimate expression of what I perceived love to be. I didn’t understand why, I overwhelmed my many crushes with words and emotions that were far beyond their comprehension. Perhaps beyond my understanding of why they didn’t reciprocate in the same way. I didn’t know then, like I realize now, that I understood love. I lived love, I craved the warmth of what love had to offer, I just wanted to share it with those that I imagined to be my possible soulmate.

Growing up, I always felt that I was born in the wrong era, my music, my writings and my poetry were my solace. I never felt like I ever belonged anywhere, I felt wise beyond my years and could never understand why my counterparts thought of me as strange. I always related better with older people, much older ones.

It was from perpetual rejections during my teenage years that fostered the shielding of my emotions and my subsequent “lack of empathy”. It was because I felt too much, I was a tempestuous teenager, often angry at the world, angry at why I was not lovable to anyone, I was by no means unattractive.

I was twenty when I experienced my first great love and my first great loss.

Love. The maker, the breaker, the destroyer and the creator. The same words rang true in one of my many letters to my ultimate ideal of my definition of a soulmate.

It was a romantic exchange, lots of words, letters and he understood me, my words, the depth of my emotions. Yet in reality, he was at the height of his career and I was just trying to find my place in the sun. I needed the validation, I needed the physical reciprocation and I needed to be a priority. Something that he couldn’t give me, he offered to take care of me, he offered me a glitzy life in the bright lights and big city of Hong Kong and he offered to buy me my dream car. I knew I needed more, I knew I deserved more than what money could buy me. And mostly, I couldn’t be bought, I didn’t want to be kept and I didn’t want to be an accessory.

Fast forward twenty something years, between two marriages, one divorce and love that has come and gone. My journey thus far has afforded me the love of many, the search of that one ultimate love, that one who is my definition of perfection. Of course, it doesn’t exist. The more I loved, the more I didn’t understand why people chose to hurt me, whether it was from friends or lovers, then one day it came to me.

It was because I had so much love to give.

I gave them what they needed and they moved on. Through no fault of their own, or even their understanding, I was there for their solace, I gave them the love they needed to build themselves up again and when I could no longer serve my purpose anymore, the relationship didn’t evolve and I was pushed aside.

It took me a while to understand this, the repeated occurrences of people whom I thought were important in my life seemed to use me. The most recent from a person that I never ever thought would break my heart and crush my soul the way they did.

Yet the universe brings us many lessons, as I ventured into my spirituality, I reached levels of understanding that just downloaded into my mind at unwavering speeds. I was finally where I needed to be. I found my peace. Healing found me again, it was in my dharma, it came with ease like I have done all this before. And I did.

In my daily interaction, my calls from strangers are often from very lonely and sad people looking for validation, for someone to listen to them and I do. In a weird way, they are happier when they hang up, they feel better and lighter. It made me understand why people like to offload all their sadness and their stories to me. My guides and my mentors tell me that it is my light and love that draws them. The sad, the grieving and the lonely. They need it and I have much of it to give, through their verbalizations, they feel better, in turn, I offer my ear and inadvertently, my words, come from my heart. My heart opens a little more every time I put my phone down. It’s draining but gratifying.

We all have a purpose.

My purpose is love. And I have learnt to let go of the pain, love given doesn’t have to be reciprocated, I am blessed to be able to have so much of it to give.

I am that I am.

I am Love.